So many times when i want to express myself i start to write and let out all my inner demons, thoughts and feelings. There are moments though that i have to stop myself incase i make more of explosion inside my head, a bit like a domino effect. Lately i have wanted to have the biggest 'i feel sorry for myself moment' but i stopped myself and processed exactly what i was feeling and the reasons why.
Last week my sister gave birth to a gorgeous little Boy. He was her first boy and actually the first boy for our family so there was buzz and excitement in the air and a feeling of a new chapter in everyones lives. Unfortunately in all my joy and excitement there was also major jealousy and a bit of resentment towards the whole situation. I started to go through my reasonings behind the way i was feeling and i could only place my finger on a couple of firm reasons.
I couldn't be jealous of a new born baby could i... maybe i could. Maybe it wasn't the innocent, helpless and amazing miracle of life i was jealous of, maybe it was my sister. Maybe it was the fact that my baby was no longer a baby, and i felt like this new little treasure was trying to take her place at being the young precious, fussed on baby. It seems so heartless for someone to be jealous of such stupid things and very immature and spiteful.
I started to think back at when Gracie was born. I always felt like maybe she would be compared with her cousins and maybe even not as loved. I remember the feeling of giving birth and the exhaustion and exhilaration all in a matter of moments. To hold life in my arms that was made with love. To see into the eyes of a new soul, to feel the beating heart, going at a million miles an hour. To feel love in a second and at that very moment of connection between a mother and child, a force and a bond, bound together in so many ways.
All i wanted to do (if i wasn't bed ridden) was stand up on the highest mountain and shout with joy, or better yet, i wanted to have a lion king moment and hold my precious gift above everyone with joyous music and the beating of drums celebrating a gift i gave this world. Instead i lay there thinking, oh shit, whats next.
At the moment of thinking back i realise what my jealousy is all about... Family. My sister, she had the blessing of having Mum and Dad there all the time, through every child she birthed, the waiting room was always blessed to have her very closest friends and family to welcome the arrival of her blessings. It broke my heart to not be able to hug my Mum and have my Dad tell me how proud he was of me and how beautiful and amazing my daughter was.
I was jealous that my sister had access to Mum and Dad 24/7, not through a phone call either. She could drive 2 minutes if she was having a weak moment and could feel the protection, security and love from our Mum and Dad. The mum and dad that i feel so far away from, she has them whenever she wants. I think with the birth of my nephew it has brought back the feelings of distance and separation between me and my family. I want to hug my sister and tell her how proud i am of her and how gorgeous all 3 of her children are. I want hug my mum and ask if she could get me a biscuit as i sit on my butt. I want to hug my Dad and ask if he could please take us all to the ice cream shop.
Growing up is such a painful process. At this very point in time i just want to be a baby back in the safe presence of my mum and the protection of my Dad. I want to punch my sister in the army because she wont get me a drink. I want to be apart of the family im now so far away from, so distanced and so alone.
Back to reality and time to come to the conclusion. Everyone has to grow up and become someone or something. My process of growing up has taken me away from my family. Perhaps the reason being, so i can grow and nurture my own family and become a strong and independent person. Im not jealous anymore because iv'e realised its not what my sister has, its what im missing... my Family.
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